I met with my doctor today. She wants me to keep a food journal. I think this might be helpful. We’ll see.
I’m so sensitive. I’m so fragile. I break so easily. I haven’t been on this blog for awhile, I’ve been in a different “world”. But I’m back. I just.. I can’t- I shouldn’t say I can’t but I just feel like I can’t, it’s so hard. I thought today would be could, that I would talk about things. But I guess I didn’t read the rules, I don’t know I don’t understand. I’m an idiot. Just take more drugs. More pills. You’ll eventually feel better. I KNOW IT’S NOT MAGIC!!!! I’m just trying this, because if I don’t then I’ll never know. Yes I’ve done it before, but this is different stuff. Who knows.. I don’t. I’m just sick of this. It’s all my fault apparently. Maybe? I’m a waste I feel like. I’m not simple. Life isn’t simple. I don’t just want to do the normal stuff. I want to make a difference. I want to make people happy, make their lives better, help them. But then today.. maybe I’m not cut out for this, maybe I’m just trying to live vicariously. But like seriously, saying that is sick it is soooo fucking SICK. I am a disgrace. Oh, God please help me.
I need to get my work done, so reblog this while I do
Strep.. cool beans. And all the complications of my body that go along with it..
So I’ve had it for a few weeks lol -.-
Sometimes I truly feel like I will never be good enough..
I feel broken.
I could say more. I could say that I feel like a wind up flashlight. Like I have to use all this energy to stay lit, or alive. And it’s so exhausting and nerve racking and hard. But then I probably sound crazy..
I just feel, broken.
She kept bringing up the cancer. But was it real? I mean it was only half cancer, right? I mean we sometimes joke and call it butt cancer, cuz I mean it was no where near as terrible as some people have it. Mine was nothing like those people. She kept saying how I was fine during that, or at least I told her I was. Because I was, right? I mean yeah it was emotionally straining and I just wanted to go home, I was so tired. But in the end, I was fine, I mean I didn’t necessarily want to leave after the surgery. I stayed a couple days, but I could have stayed a week. I wasn’t afraid was I? I don’t remember being that afraid. But I was.. I think I just blocked that part out of my mind. The needles, the multiple doctors (and not remembering some of them), the physical pain, the big words, the tests. Oh there were so many tests. So many tests and so many phone calls. Half not sure what I wanted to hear. But I was ok with it? Maybe not.. but it was a lot easier than the day-to-day stuff now.. Yeah, pretty sure that’s not normal.. but I’m not normal.. or am I? Who knows… it’s hard to tell. But it’s done right? No more tumor? It’s so tiny now, so super tiny, and it won’t grow back, right? It’s been almost a year and a half and it hasn’t. December is my last MRI. Or so they say.. the last two times were supposed to be the last time so… who knows. So many emotions.. blood drawn again today. No biggie though, right? Hahaa I get so worked up, shaking, laughing, crying, clammy hands, dizzy, wonderful.. But I got juice, and gummies, so that was good. Haa, when I was shaking on the table I told the lady I wanted to be a nurse, figuring that was kind of ironic. She said it’s easier on the other side. I hope so… Well back to work now. Lots of work to do. Gotta get A’s, no pressure! jk
Sometimes I just feel like my feet are on two different platforms and they keep getting further and further away and it hurts so much and it would be so much easier to let go and just fall, so much more comfortable, but if I do that then I have nothing and everything is gone and that fear is worse than the pain.
Gettin’ up early tomorrow to go to my grandma’s with my mom for the weekend. My dad and brother are on a guys’ trip, so we decided to have a girls’ trip : ) Leaving tomorrow around 9am. This weekend will be full of taking pictures and painting, baking, watching movies, and going out to eat— with little adventures along the way : )
—Oh, I also darkened like a middle layer of my hair with coffee in the shower lol. You can kinda notice it, slightly darker, but not really. But I like it so….. : )
Last night, my dream. You were in it. It was you and your brother. Our families were like on vacation or something. And this family from elementary school was there too. You kept saying I had like one wish or I could ask you for one thing. And you had that smile on my face like you knew what I was going to say. I knew what I wanted to say, but like I literally could not get it out, it’s like I was waiting to say it.. Then it was dark and I tripped over deck stairs and stuck my hand out to catch myself on a cement thing, but smacked my face on my hand and I had like cuts all over my right eye area. My dad or my friend’s dad or something like squeezed each cut for some reason and blood was running down my face. I washed it off and then ran up on the deck to show you and your brother. Weird things happened, my friend’s dad made me like this margarita type thing and I was scared cuz it was supposed to be really really sour, but I drank it and it was delicious. But I woke up, and I never got to tell you what I wanted… that I wanted you to stop going away, and just s t a y .
(because in every dream that you’re in, I either wake up or you disappear….)
I think it’s hitting me now.. the whole Lexie/Mark thing… or maybe I’m just taking my own feelings and putting them into the show… making that my excuse so I don’t have to admit to my problems….
seriously feel like today is like a dream… and not one of those ones you don’t want to wake up from..
I almost fell face first into the sink. I say this because I’m wondering what you think about it. I would like to know how towels are made. Who invented pillow cases? And who invented pillows? Do you think those people were related… or the same person?
I feel like no one really undertands me, so they take that misunderstanding and turn it into something almost awful..